“Not good enough.”

That is the weight that has held me down, the lie that has held me captive by most of my life.

On September 22nd, 2014, by the grace of my sweet God, I found myself stepping onto the grounds of Winshape Retreat Center in Rome, Georgia for a three day conference called Pursuit 31. I stumbled upon the Pursuit 31 conference in 2012 right after their first conference was held. I watched the trailer video, bawled my eyes out the whole time, and immediately fell in love with the community that Karen Stott and her friends have built. My heart longed for a community like this. So stepping on the grounds of the beautiful Winshape a week ago I felt like I was coming home. I practically ran onto the campus hugging all the beautiful women that I’ve connected with online, but was just meeting in person for the first time. I wanted to scream, “I”M HERE! I”M HOME!” My heart was full to bursting with joy to be there!

I had no idea what God had in store for me.

The first night I made my way into the auditorium for the first round of speakers and worship. I looked around and found an open spot next to some new faces in the back of the auditorium. We introduced ourselves warmly and settled in for an amazing evening. I wanted to sit back and just take it all in. That night the beautiful, gentle, and gifted Mary Marantz spoke. Up until this point I felt like I mostly “had it all together”. I was so ready to talk with others, listen to them, pray for them, and just love them. (Which I had the joy of doing and it was awesome!)

I had no idea that beneath the surface of my smiling face and joyful exterior was a heart bound by lies, fears, and insecurities. 

Mary asked us to write a lie on a piece of paper that was provided and hang it around our neck so that we could visualize the weight of that lie on our lives. I was pretty embarrassed that I couldn’t immediately come up with something to write down. Especially since it seemed like everyone else around me was immediately writing. I was just so happy in that moment to be there that I didn’t want to, and almost couldn’t, think of anything negative. So I put my pen and paper down and proceeded into worship with everyone. While I was singing, God in His grace, spoke to my heart, peeled back the layers of “I’m okay” that I had built up to protect myself over the years, to reveal the melty center that believed “I wasn’t good enough” that I’d kept secret from others, and even myself.

And it’s not true, it’s simply not true!

So I sat down in the middle of worship and wrote the lie out on the paper, hung it around my neck, and continued to sing. I can’t remember what song we were singing at the time, but I felt the weight of that lie lift off of my chest as I gave it over to my God.

³¹ What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? ³² Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? ³³ Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. ³⁴ Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

³⁵ Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?³⁶ (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”^[a]) ³⁷ No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

³⁸ And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[b] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:31-39. BibleGateway.com NLT

The truth is, God is more than enough in ANY situation, so we are more than enough in Him.

But buying into the lie that I’m not good enough has affected me in so many ways. I don’t dream big enough. When I do, I quickly shoot myself down with lies like, “Only big, significant people accomplish those things. You don’t have it all together so you don’t have anything to offer anyone. You don’t have the means to get there. You’ve got this on your own. You’re just a farm girl with a community college education, who do you think you are?” Well, I’ve had enough!

I’ve had enough with believing these lies because my God is bigger than the lies, bigger than my circumstances, and even bigger than my dreams!

(Screenshot above from Pursuit 31 Conference video by TreCreative)

Day two

On day two of the conference I felt like a puddle, but in all the best ways possible. I felt like the ugly tower that held my heart captive was finally torn down and my soft center was visible for all to see and more accessible for God to heal! In an unexpected encounter on the walk to lunch I met a beautiful soul sister, Anna F, and God used her to speak to me and begin healing an area in my life that I didn’t even realize I was holding back from Him. I crumbled into tears at the salad bar while sharing with her about my life. We made our way to an open table and continued our conversation. A few other ladies joined us. Two of which are women that I knew of before the conference and greatly admire – Hannah Brencher and Tiffany Farley – so I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a little giddy moment that they came and sat at our table. :)

Remember how I mentioned that the lie that held me captive was feeling “not good enough”? I could have been overwhelmed by the feeling of insignificance in that moment in the presence of these accomplished women, but, I was free! So I listened to Hannah’s story and the struggles she openly shared with us. In that moment I related with her so much! I was in “that” place 4-5 years ago, that was me! And I boldly shared my heart with her, and the promises, and the future that God has for her. I didn’t expect this at all, but with tears in her eyes she thanked me for my encouragement and even jokingly told me that I should be the one speaking on the stage that night. WHAT?! ME?! She would think that of me? Hannah, if you ever read this, thank you! Thank you for those words you uttered in tears that touched my heart and spoke directly to what God was healing in me – that I am good enough because He created me and I have Him. That He could use me as His vessel to encourage the heart of a young woman who is as accomplished as yourself was such a gift to me. I don’t say this to brag that I had this moment, but to share that God’s ways are not the world’s ways. He uses ordinary people every day to do extraordinary things because He is God. In the world’s eyes, I am ordinary, and that’s okay. Because God likes to use ordinary people and I want to be one of those ordinary people He chooses to use in His timing.

²⁶ Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthy^[g] when God called you. ²⁷ Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. ²⁸ God chose things despised by the world,^[h] things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. ²⁹ As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God.

³⁰ God has united you with Christ Jesus. For our benefit God made him to be wisdom itself. Christ made us right with God; he made us pure and holy, and he freed us from sin. ³¹ Therefore, as the Scriptures say, “If you want to boast, boast only about the Lord.” 1 Corinthians 1: 26-31. Bible Gateway NLT

That afternoon during our free time I felt God calling me away with Him like I’ve never felt before. It was the strongest tug on my heart and I couldn’t run from it. So I grabbed my journal and bible from my room, left my phone and camera there so I wouldn’t have any distractions and started walking. I wanted to find a place to sit and rest and just BE with Him.

Please do me a favor. Before you read the rest of my post, watch the video of the Pursuit 31 Conference video by TreCreative. (Click on “Pursuit 31 Conference Video” link or on the screenshot below to be directed there).

(Screenshot above from Pursuit 31 Conference video by TreCreative)

Did you watch it? Good. Are you in tears now? I melt into a puddle of tears every time I watch it because it means so much to me.  Well, do you remember the girl at the beginning of the video (in the screen shot above) sitting on the swing under the big tree? That’s me. I’m not sharing this to brag at all. I’m sharing it because I believe that God wants me to invite you to take a peek into one of the most precious moments of my life. And I want to always be reminded of this moment. Not only was it a sweet moment between just me and God, but it was, yet again, another healing moment. It was God whispering to me, “You’re good enough because I created you. I created your tender heart. I created your body. You are the workmanship of My hands. You are good.” I write this with tears in my eyes still… that in this moment God orchestrated for the wonderful Steve and Chelsea to film it, to be the hands and feet of Jesus documenting one of the best, sweetest moments with God so I will have this moment to cherish forever and hopefully others will be touched and inspired, too… I’m just in awe, absolute AWE. Because I still hear the lies creep up, “Who am I to be featured in the beginning of this film? I’m not accomplished enough, pretty enough, dressed well enough… no makeup on, tear stained cheeks.”

But I think that’s what God was getting at in preserving this moment. This is how He wants me to come to Him, for us to come to him… just as we are: no towers, no layers, no barriers keeping us from His love and enjoying peace in His presence.

Thank you for taking the time to read one of my stories from the P31 Conference! My heart is overwhelmed with joy that you would take the time to do so and I pray that God spoke to you through my words and experience. If there’s a way that He spoke to you that you would like prayer or encouragement on, please reach out to me, I would be happy to pray with you! You can comment below if you’re okay with it being public, or you can email me via the contact form on this site or directly at Jenna@JennaShriverPhotography.com.

XoXo, Jenna

Would you like to read more stories from those who attended the 2012 Pursuit 31 Conference? Search the hashtag #PursuitStories or #Pursuit31Conference on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. And check back here as I share more stories and photos from the conference in the future! The 2015 Pursuit 31 Conference sign up will be starting soon, so head to the website to subscribe for updates!

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